What happens when you die?

[f1r3flie]

What do people think happens when you die? Personally I think of it as a process of elimination by the main religions:
1) Christianity - You go to heaven if you're good, hell if you're bad.
2) Islam - Basically the same
3) Judaism - Basically the same
4) Buddhism - If you live a good life, you're reincarnated well and vice versa.
5) Hinduism - If you live a good life, you're reincarnated well and vice versa.
6) Atheism - Nothing happens. You rot in the ground.
7) Satanism - You die and hang out with Satan if you're a good satanist, else you're tortured.

Basically, we can ignore 4,5,6 because they only require you to live a good life. Then, there are the jewish religions and satanism. If you're evil in 1,2,3, you go to hell. If you're a good Satanist, you are friends with Satan in hell. 1,2,3, also admit the existence of Satan.

This leads me to believe that if you live a good life but worship Satan then regardless of what religion is true then you're guaranteed heaven (of sorts).

What does everyone think?

[Goatboy]

I think you exhibit a lot of not-so-subtle bias in your post, as well as a complete misunderstanding of Satanism.

[Vulpine]

I think you exhibit a lot of not-so-subtle bias in your post, as well as a complete misunderstanding of Satanism.

^^ This. Seriously.

Do some actual research into the church and you'll see that it's probably more analogous to certain forms of libertarianism than anything else. This would make it more a philosophy than a religion.

While I can't really say for Hinduism, your bit about Buddhism is a little off as well. Reincarnation is a big part but the ultimate goal is to achieve Nirvana, which would be a sort of heaven for them.

More or less, the end result of any religion does make perfect sense: Rewards for the faithful and punishments for the unfaithful. No one would sign up if it were the converse, excluding those psychotic punch-bowl cults...

[insomaniacal]

Although the paradox you give out is interesting to read, it assumes the existence of a higher power. Personally, I have no clue what happens when I die. I'll find out then. It'd be nice if we had souls and hung around somewhere, but I also doubt it'd be on a basis of morals. In addition, I doubt that's true either.

[LoGiCaL__]

I'm not really to sure of what happens after you die, but if nothing happens I'm going to be thoroughly pissed off. I'm going to want a refund on life.

What would be great was after you die, your just walking and its all dark. Out of nowhere it just gets light and everyone you ever met in your life is there, family, friends, associates, etc... Everyone starts clapping and its just a big celebration of dying/living. Then your thrown back into it again. Unlikely, but it would be sweetery in a box.

[fashizzlepop]

What ever happens, I swear to god, it better not be like Mario Kart 64 when you are the bomb and you hit somebody and you just sit there staring at one spot for the rest of the game... xD

Preferably, I would like to be able to see the rest of the universe and the birth of stars when I die.

[Goatboy]

I hate this. If I die and nothing happens, I'll never be able to gloat about it!

[f1r3flie]

Do some actual research into the church and you'll see that it's probably more analogous to certain forms of libertarianism than anything else.
...
your bit about Buddhism is a little off as well

Ok, I'm going to clarify. When i say Satanism, I mean Theitic Satanism rather than Atheist Satanism. Atheist Satanism is what you describe, where the figure of Satan is seen as a symbol for human nature, and represents governing powers oppressing a dissident. Theistic Satanism is the kind where the followers actually worship Satan, the king of demons. This is what most of us think when we imagine satanism, a cult of followers of an evil being, performing rituals etc.

On to Buddhism - Yes, I did fail to mention Nirvana, but that is irrelevant. I'm referring to irreversable punishments in this post, rather than a many-life goal. I will now better explain what I mean:

This is an analysis of the consequences of following or not following certain religions, to determine one theoretical path that will not lead to Hell in any major religion.

In the three religions of Jewish origin (Christianity, Islam, Judaism), they require you to follow their religion and nothing else to get into Heaven, else you are sent to Hell, domain of Satan. Basically, this is almost exclusively based on whether or not you are faithful of God (from reading the entire Bible, not the Koran or Miqra). This means that if you worship Satan and he approves, when you enter Hell you will no doubt end up not being tortured but rather associating with Satan, and the other demons and Theistic Satanists. This means that if any of these religions are the truth, then you aren't destined to Hell to suffer.

In Hinduism and Buddhism, what happens in your next life is entirely based on the morality of your actions in this life. Basically, if you're a Theistic Satanist but don't do anything cruel to others, your next life will be better.

If there is no god, then none of this matters.

Basically, if you're a Theistic Satanist and get in Satan's good books, there is ~0% chance of hell, since your bases are covered in every religion.

[Goatboy]

Gonna educate you about some good ol'-fashioned Satanism.

Satanism (either theistic or atheistic) is all about self-improvement, knowledge, power, growth, development, and all manner of things which may seem selfish. In Genesis, Satan is viewed as the snake, tempting Eve to eat the apple from the Tree of Knowledge. Satan wanted her to have her eyes opened, to view the world for what it is. This also took away her immortality, which is reflected today in the view that we should live this life to its fullest. In a sense, it's all about being the best you can be.

If you read the Satanic Bible (LaVey's version) it's pretty much mostly social engineering and various sciences, to be honest. One part talks about pheromones, and the effect they have on the opposite sex. If you are a man, sweat a bit and let it hang. If you are a woman (not making this up) get yourself a little "wet" before going to the club. Basic biology. Talking about social engineering, he has discussed in various lectures how to read peoples' body language, how to cold read an audience, and how to tell a good lie. Did I mention he worked as a magician/hypnotist/mentalist as a kid?

So let's back up a bit here. Self-improvement. Quest for knowledge. Social Engineering. Badass beard. Wore black. Being sweaty. Satan was a hacker!

... *pause for laughter* ...

But seriously, Satanism takes a lot of flak from pretty much everyone. A lot of people seem to think that Satanism is all about being as evil as you possibly can, killing anything that crosses your path and cursing God's name 24/7. That is not taught in any major text in either the theistic or the atheistic sects.

Anyways, I'm getting hungry, tired, and bored. Hope you learned something.

Basically, if you're a Theistic Satanist and get in Satan's good books, there is ~0% chance of hell, since your bases are covered in every religion.

I like that. You either go to Heaven, or you gangsta chill in Hell.

[insomaniacal]

I think what he was getting at as far as theistic Satanism was groups like Temple of the Black Light. However, they don't worship satan in the Judaic sense either, as they're pretty much neo-pagans with a darker twist.

And, they're fairly insignificant, especially when compared to ideological Satanists, which Goatboy described fairly well.