Ok, so you know I had my whole post on how the Christian God is not real because nothing can be perfect. Well, just throw that out the window (for no reason). It is still perfectly logical, but read this and see if I can convert you piece of s**t atheists:
Ok, God is real because he just is. The Bible says so, and that's about it...
Anyway, now that you know why God is real I need to tell you all that he performed a miracle on me. He actually SPOKE to me, yesterday when I was beating the good 'ole wedding tackle. And then again while I was taking the biggest dump of my life.
Here's the exact transcripts of what the Christian God himself told me:
God: "Hey there fu*ker! Stop beating your meat and let me tell you some things about me since you accepted that I am real you little f@ggot. I'm the mother fu*kin' Christian God pu*sy!"
Me: "Ok, sure. Let me put my trouser snake away real quick, don't want to poke anyone in the eye on accident."
God: "Ok, listen up pu*sy. I'm God, big whoop, you want to fight about it? I do meth, heroin, coke, crake, ex, PCP, LSD, Morphine, Xanax, ..., angle dust, dope, Tranks, shrooms, MDA, Acid, MDMA, DXM, ..................................., barbs, codine, drank, oxy's, hydros, hash, Nitrous, snappers, bolt, ......................................................., Ritalin, Cylert, Prelud's, Didrex, Pre-state, Voranil, Snadrex, Plegine, Quaaludes, Valium, Librium, Miltown, Serax, Equanil, ........, Tranxene, cactus, Fentanyl, and a couple other things so yeah, I'm a fu*kin' gangster you little bi*ch."
Me: "Holly sh*t, you are a fu*kin' gangsta. Can you give me one of everything you take?"
God: "Fu*k you pu*sy. I earned this sh*t. Once you get up here in my crib that ya'll stupid @ss humans call heaven, we can tweek and get fu*ked up all day long my ni*ga!"
Me: "Fu*k yeah, I'm so glad I started believing in you. Your who I look up to now."
God: "Damn strait bi*ch! I would of sent your @ss strait to hell if you didn't believe in my fu*kin' greatness."
Me: "Yeah, that would of sucked big balls."
God: "Shit, I would have bi*ch slapped you on the way down pu*sy. I already told you, I'm a fu*kin' ganster. You think the bloods and crips got sh*t on me?"
Me: "Uhh, no..."
God: "Well your fu*kin right. I'd piss on them with rain, shit on them with a volcano, and then give all them pu*sies the fu*kin' black plague. You don't want to fu*k with me bi*ch."
Me: "Hell naw."
God: "Hell? Fu*k the devil. I'd pimp slap that pu*sy."
Me: "Fu*k yeah! What about all the other Gods? Are they real?"
God: "Well yeah you stupid fu*k. Right until I gutted all their bi*ch @sses and took over this place you little f@ggot."
Me: "Holy shit! You cooler and cooler the more you talk about yourself."
God: "No sh*t bi*ch. I'm fu*kin' God, I know what to say all the time. Especially to the bi*ches. Haven't you seen the "virgin" Mary on that piece of toast?"
Me: "Yeah, why?"
God: "Sh*t, let's just say she aint no virgin anymore. That bi*ch appeared on that piece of toast because that's what happens when I stick it to her. She just shows her appearance on pieces of food and sh*t. Not always, but it's bad @ss when it does happen."
Me: "Damn, your a pimp too?"
God: "Fu*k yeah! Haven't you seen her on the tortilla and at that water park? I get action all day long mo' fu*ka!"
Me: "Well sh*t. What can I say. Your the king of gangsterness. I praise you!"
God: "I know, I'm bad @ss right?"
Me: "Yeah buddy!"
God: "Ok, you little pr*ck. I got to go, I'm going to go jack off on the entire state of Arizona. Sh*t when I'm done, they'e going to be able to have their first fu*kin' white Christmas! You know what I'm sayin' pu*sy!?"
Me: "Hell yeah!"
God: "Fu*k the devil!"
Me: "Damn right!"
God: "Fu*k you too bi*ch. I'm a mother fu*kin' ganster. Arizona, here I come!"
Me: "Later bi*ch!"
God: "Fuck you pussy! And here, take these transcripts of our conversation just in case you want them."
Me: "Cool, thanks fu*ker!"
God: "No prob, see you later you piece of sh*t f@ggot."
That's the end of my conversation with the Christian God. It is 100% real and authentic. Prove me wrong!
That's right, you can't! This is the real 100% authentic conversation transcripts he gave me before leaving. Isn't the Christian God a fu*kin' gangster or what?!
Damn strait Christians.