Ok, God is real because he just is. The Bible says so, and that's about it...
Anyway, now that you know why God is real I need to tell you all that he performed a miracle on me. He actually SPOKE to me, yesterday when I was beating the good 'ole wedding tackle. And then again while I was taking the biggest dump of my life.
Here's the exact transcripts of what the Christian God himself told me:
God: "Hey there fu*ker! Stop beating your meat and let me tell you some things about me since you accepted that I am real you little f@ggot. I'm the mother fu*kin' Christian God pu*sy!"
Me: "Ok, sure. Let me put my trouser snake away real quick, don't want to poke anyone in the eye on accident."
God: "Ok, listen up pu*sy. I'm God, big whoop, you want to fight about it? I do meth, heroin, coke, crake, ex, PCP, LSD, Morphine, Xanax, ..., angle dust, dope, Tranks, shrooms, MDA, Acid, MDMA, DXM, ..................................., barbs, codine, drank, oxy's, hydros, hash, Nitrous, snappers, bolt, ......................................................., Ritalin, Cylert, Prelud's, Didrex, Pre-state, Voranil, Snadrex, Plegine, Quaaludes, Valium, Librium, Miltown, Serax, Equanil, ........, Tranxene, cactus, Fentanyl, and a couple other things so yeah, I'm a fu*kin' gangster you little bi*ch."
Me: "Holly sh*t, you are a fu*kin' gangsta. Can you give me one of everything you take?"
God: "Fu*k you pu*sy. I earned this sh*t. Once you get up here in my crib that ya'll stupid @ss humans call heaven, we can tweek and get fu*ked up all day long my ni*ga!"
Me: "Fu*k yeah, I'm so glad I started believing in you. Your who I look up to now."
God: "Damn strait bi*ch! I would of sent your @ss strait to hell if you didn't believe in my fu*kin' greatness."
Me: "Yeah, that would of sucked big balls."
God: "Shit, I would have bi*ch slapped you on the way down pu*sy. I already told you, I'm a fu*kin' ganster. You think the bloods and crips got sh*t on me?"
Me: "Uhh, no..."
God: "Well your fu*kin right. I'd piss on them with rain, shit on them with a volcano, and then give all them pu*sies the fu*kin' black plague. You don't want to fu*k with me bi*ch."
Me: "Hell naw."
God: "Hell? Fu*k the devil. I'd pimp slap that pu*sy."
Me: "Fu*k yeah! What about all the other Gods? Are they real?"
God: "Well yeah you stupid fu*k. Right until I gutted all their bi*ch @sses and took over this place you little f@ggot."
Me: "Holy shit! You cooler and cooler the more you talk about yourself."
God: "No sh*t bi*ch. I'm fu*kin' God, I know what to say all the time. Especially to the bi*ches. Haven't you seen the "virgin" Mary on that piece of toast?"
Me: "Yeah, why?"
God: "Sh*t, let's just say she aint no virgin anymore. That bi*ch appeared on that piece of toast because that's what happens when I stick it to her. She just shows her appearance on pieces of food and sh*t. Not always, but it's bad @ss when it does happen."
Me: "Damn, your a pimp too?"
God: "Fu*k yeah! Haven't you seen her on the tortilla and at that water park? I get action all day long mo' fu*ka!"
Me: "Well sh*t. What can I say. Your the king of gangsterness. I praise you!"
God: "I know, I'm bad @ss right?"
Me: "Yeah buddy!"
God: "Ok, you little pr*ck. I got to go, I'm going to go jack off on the entire state of Arizona. Sh*t when I'm done, they'e going to be able to have their first fu*kin' white Christmas! You know what I'm sayin' pu*sy!?"
Me: "Hell yeah!"
God: "Fu*k the devil!"
Me: "Damn right!"
God: "Fu*k you too bi*ch. I'm a mother fu*kin' ganster. Arizona, here I come!"
Me: "Later bi*ch!"
God: "Fuck you pussy! And here, take these transcripts of our conversation just in case you want them."
Me: "Cool, thanks fu*ker!"
God: "No prob, see you later you piece of sh*t f@ggot."
That's the end of my conversation with the Christian God. It is 100% real and authentic. Prove me wrong!
That's right, you can't! This is the real 100% authentic conversation transcripts he gave me before leaving. Isn't the Christian God a fu*kin' gangster or what?!
Damn strait Christians.
