I lol'd. Hard.
Have you ever been physically stuck or trapped?
Repost of a true story, my supervisor still doesn't let it die:
I was driving back with a friend from Bottineau to Grand Forks, ND, and had to use the restroom pretty bad out on a stretch of nowhere. It was around 2 AM and the next town was quite a bit away, so we pulled into a rest stop so I could go. Me, being paranoid since watching a Halloween movie about a rest stop, found it odd that there was a trailer-less rig in the parking lot, but thought nothing more of it. So I go into the two stall bathroom, make sure no ones in it, and take the handicap stall (don't judge me). It was a messy #2 and I sat there for quite a while, and lo and behold, when finished, just before wiping, the lights turn off in the bathroom.
The doors to the bathroom were huge and loud, and I would have heard if someone came in, so I get pissed off. Here I am, on a toilet in the middle of nowehere with an unwiped ass, secluded in a bathroom with brick walls and two thick doors. I shrug to myself, thinking it has to be a motion sensing light or something, since the light was on when I went into the bathroom, doesn't make sense for it to go randomly out. So I take out my cell phone to get some light.
My cell phone at the time was a shitty one with a small screen and not a lot of quality backlight. I realize that I couldn't use it to be able to wipe my ass effectively, since it was an endurance shit and I'm the type to wipe, then wipe again and check to make sure its properly handled, and wipe again and repeat if necessary. I realize that I could never feel clean with it like this, and I can't very well pull up the pants and risk tire tracks. So, in my infinite wisdom, I wipe once haphazzardly and stand up, shimmying across the handicap stall to the wall with my pants around my feet. I start waving as widely as I can over the stall to trigger the motion sensor to turn the lights on, my cell phone in one hand and the other probably covered in fecal matter. The lights don't turn on.
I shimmy over to the door, cursing as I do it, and feel along the door while using my phone to find the lock, undo it, and attempt to venture out into the void of the bathroom to find the light switch. Then it happened. In the middle of the bathroom, to my right, I hear:
Now, this is the one time in my life that I get to use a "I thought I was going to die from a rest room serial killer" card. I instinctively threw my phone as hard as I could at the sound, which hits the wall and breaks, and I scream like a little girl, as loudly as I can, screaming for Tyler, who was in the car outside. After about 2 minutes of screaming, and me, wide eyed, trying to find any sort of vision in the now pitch black bathrooom, figure that the killer is using night vision and is now watching me. I cup my junk with my non poop hand, and hold out the other in front of me, swaying aruond like a retard, still calling as loudly as I can to my friend outside.
Now- imagine if you will- a 6'5, 340 pound white guy, with his pants around his ankles, his hand cupping his junk, and flailing around screaming with a hand covered in shit. Not the highlight of my life, but again- I used my card, so fuck off.
I eventually shimmied across the wall to the door, and found the light switch, which was one of the turnie ones that the light stays on for a while then shuts off. I put my back against the door, prepare for battle, and turn the switch.
...The bathroom is empty. My phone lays in three pieces on the floor, and the assailant is nowhere to be found. I shimmy to both stands, check... nothing. So heres me, freaking the fuck out, figuring that he got in through the big vent on the ceiling, and keep my vision on it while I shimmy over to the toilet again, clean myself up, and pull my pants up. I realize there are shit smears on the wall, door, and light switch. I look around and still don't see anything- and then it happens again:
I jump, look up- and realize the sound came from an automatic dispenser of air freshener. I felt like I was a bloody used tampon in a dryer full of barbecue sauce laden checkbooks. Lets just say, not one of my best nights.
TL;dr- I plastered the walls and door of a bathroom in the middle of nowhere with shit because an automatic air freshener sounded like a serial killer in the dark.
"Better to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
"red = changed"